


The Smirnoff Slip

by TheUKAmazingDan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Fluff, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Principal!Phil, Single Parent AU, alcohol mention, also dan is extra in this, child characters, i dont even know if it's agnst, idk it's fluffy as heck okay, its basically a misunderstanding and no ones feeling are hurt, like really freaking extra, single parent!dan, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 13:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12366888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheUKAmazingDan/pseuds/TheUKAmazingDan
Summary: Laurence really hadn't meant to do it; He was only a kid after all. And Dan couldn't be mad at him, especially not after meeting his attractive new principal.





	The Smirnoff Slip

**Author's Note:**

> remember when i wrote things?

In which Dan accidentally sends his son to school with a frozen Smirnoff vodka cocktail instead of a juice box.

"Wake up! Daddy!"

I jolted awake, sitting up as the shrieks of my little boy pierced my ears. I expected it to still be dark, and I anticipated to have a shivering Laurence crawling into my bed, crying and trying to cling to me. Instead, I was greeted by sunlight streaming through the windows and the offensive smell of burnt toast wafting up into my room from the kitchen below.

I rubbed my eyes quickly, then looked over to my alarm clock on my bedside table and tried to gauge the numbers adorning the screen. 8:17. This time wouldn't have been so bad if his school wasn't twenty minutes away and it started at 8:50. I immediately threw the blankets off my body and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I stood, my bare feet cold against the wooden floor, then looked over to the doorway where my son stood, clothed in nothing but a towel with water dripping down his legs and soap suds still clinging to his hair.

"Why didn't you wake me up earlier?" I asked the five year old, my voice still thick with sleep. I shivered at my lack of clothing, only clad in a pair of pajama pants.

"'Cause you were sleeping! Gosh!" He answered, rolling his eyes like it was the most logical thing in the world.

I rolled my eyes right back, knowing that I had made him this way. He only seemed to pick up on my bad mannerisms. He wasn't like me at all in some aspects, but in others it was like we were the same person. It wasn't like he had any other paternal influences either, considering I had adopted him as a single parent, knowing that I didn't want to wait until I was thirty and married to have children.

I rushed over to where Laurence stood, then turned him around by his shoulders. "Back into the bathroom." I sighed, literally pushing him towards the room down the hall. I opened the door and shoved him gently inside, then hurriedly turned on the water in the sink.

"Why? I'm so clean! I even used your conditioner!" He stated proudly, grinning widely at me and showing the gap in his smile caused by the absence of one front tooth.

"You used my what?" I panicked, turning around and flinging open the closed shower curtain, only to reveal a horrendous mess. My expensive conditioner and shampoo were all over the tub, my shaving cream was smeared all over the silver fixtures, and bath bombs that I had previously put in the closet were half used and left as a sad, soggy rainbow mess in the bottom of the bath. I sighed sadly, trying to remind myself that I loved Laurence and he was just a kid, and these things just cost money which was less important than family, and that if I actually murdered my son, I'd have to kill myself too. I turned back to the child with a tight lipped smile, then reached over to turn off the water that filled up the plugged sink. "I'll deal with you later." I simply put, shaking my head and reaching over to pull him to the sink.

I kicked out a stool from under the sink and gestured for him to get onto it. He stepped up, clutching the towel around his waist, then leaned back his head into the ceramic basin. I immediately got to work, scrubbing the soap out of his hair the best I could. He had brown curly hair, a shade or two lighter than mine, and shaved sides that gave him a sort of hipster look that I thought was cute. After I finished cleaning him up, I quickly got another towel from the closet and dried his hair as much as I could in thirty seconds.

After he was semi-dry, I pulled away both his towels and hurried him down the hall and into his room, knowing he wouldn't be able to pick out an outfit in twenty minutes, let alone the ten that we had. I sat him on the bed, then opened his closet and began rummaging around for something that would make him look presentable. I picked out a white long-sleeves shirt that I usually made him wear underneath something else, a pair of black jeans, squirtle underwear, and some combat boots with snaps instead of laces that I had bought for him because I thought they would make him look alternative. "Put this on, brush your hair, and get your things ready." I ordered, handing the little boy the stack of clothes and going in search of my own outfit.

I ran to my room and pulled on a similar outfit to his, the only variation being my sneakers, which I wore because I put more stylish clothes in my five year old's wardrobe than my own. I sprayed myself down with "Gold Temptation" body spray from LYNX and prayed that I didn't smell too much like a douche-bag. My hair was a mess when I glanced at the mirror, so I did the only logical thing and grabbed a beanie to cover it up. I looked back down at the alarm clock, only to find that it was 8:24 and I had six minutes to get both of our asses out the door.

"You almost ready, Laurie?" I yelled from my room, stuffing some escaping curls back under my beanie and pulling my phone off of the charger. I stuffed it into my pocket, and left the room, heading toward the place where it was suspiciously quiet. I flung open the door to his room, only to find him on his bed, desperately digging through his backpack. "Dude? What are you doing?" I exclaimed, my eyes widening at the mess of papers and folders on his bed.

"I need you to sign something-" He began, but I simply gathered all of the papers and folders up, grabbed his backpack from his hands, and walked out of the room with them. "Daddy!" He called after me, hurrying along as I went down the stairs and placed his things on the kitchen table. The smell of the toast was now more pungent and disgusting, but I didn't have time to clean out the toaster.

"Now, I want you to get what I need to sign, then put the rest of this away. I'm checking your lunchbox, and by the time I'm done, I want the papers out and the rest tidy." I told him sternly after he entered the kitchen behind me. I watched him for a minute, making sure he was getting right to work, then turned to our fridge and opened the door to pull out his lunchbox. It was in the style of a bento box with a handle, and when I took the lid off, I revealed the absolutely adorable lunch I had packed the night before. There was a sandwich inside, cut into two rabbits, a compartment of flower and rabbit shaped crackers, and another space occupied by a few baby carrots.

So what if I was the most extra parent in his entire school? Food should be fun, not boring. Besides, that was the only way I could get him to eat _anything _. I would eat almost anything, but he was the pickiest kid I had ever encountered. No mayo, no tomatoes, no mushrooms, no pickles, no peanut butter, no chicken, and no peppers. God, he even hated cheese! Who hates cheese?__

__Apparently my five year old son, who for some God forsaken reason had the favorite food of asparagus. What kind of kid likes that? He also told me once that he 'didn't even like chocolate that much.' This made me question if had I brought him up in a strange way. He was a weirdo, but I loved him to bits. Even if he tried my patience._ _

__All was accounted for in his lunchbox, except for a juice box. We kept them in the freezer, and I was about to reach in and get one when a little arm tugged impatiently on my arm. "Can you sign stuff now?" He whined, practically pulling me to the table. I shut the fridge, then followed him over to where he had three paper slips and a pen laid out in a little line._ _

__I sat his lunchbox down, then picked up the pen and quickly scanned over the slips. "You have a field trip to an aquarium in a few days?" I questioned, reading over the slip before signing it. "Why didn't you tell me? I would have wanted to come with you!" I pouted, signing another. The next slip had an envelope attached to it, and required a check to be made out for a transportation fee to go on the field trip._ _

__"'Cause, you'd probably want to wear matching outfits and you'd probably make me hold your hand." He answered, shrugging his shoulders and passing it off nonchalantly._ _

__It hurt. My kid didn't want me around him in public anymore. God, it started earlier and earlier these days. I didn't say anything about it though. "I need to go get the checkbook from upstairs. And I'm getting you a beanie." I stated. "Did you even brush out your hair? Whatever, just get in the freezer and put a juice pouch in the bottom compartment of your lunchbox." I ordered, then quickly exited the kitchen as tears stung at my eyes._ _

__It did feel like a punch in the gut, knowing that I embarrassed him, but I ignored it. I pushed down the hurt and swallowed the thick ball that seemed to be stuck in my throat. It made me feel like I couldn't breathe correctly, but I just ran up the steps and up to my room, grabbing the checkbook then wandering across the hall to Laurie's room to grab his beanie. I grabbed a color that matched mine just to spite him, which probably wasn't the best attitude for a parent to have, but I was only twenty-five for fuck's sake! I was allowed to be immature._ _

__I ran back down the stairs into the kitchen, then quickly opened the checkbook and wrote out a check for the amount written on the slip. After that, I sealed the check in the envelope and placed it in his backpack before zippering it up. I then grabbed the beanie from where I had laid it down on the table and stuffed his curls inside, making sure the back didn't look lumpy and that there weren't millions of escaping hairs surrounding his face. "Did you put in the juice box?" I questioned, picking up the backpack from the table and motioning for him to put his arms through the straps._ _

__"Yes, Daddy!" He answered in a chipper tone._ _

__"Good." I replied, handing him the lunchbox and pressing a hand to his shoulder. "To the car. You're going to be late!" I insisted, ushering him out of the kitchen, and then out of the door and into the car. I placed him in his carseat, then buckled him in place before getting in and starting up the car. I probably drove the entire way to his preschool at a speed that would anger the local police, but it didn't matter, because as I pulled into the parking lot, we still had three minutes to go before his class would start. I pulled into a stall and observed the front door of the school, breathing a sigh of relief when I saw that a teacher was still standing there. "End of the line, Sport! Have a good day!" I said happily, even though I was screaming inside of my head._ _

__He unbuckled his restraints, then grabbed his backpack and lunchbox from the seat beside him. "I love you, Daddy." He smiled, then opened up the door and hopped out._ _

__"I love you too!" I called after him. "Don't slam the-" I began, but was cut off by the customary slam of his door. I just sighed, then watched as he hopped up the steps of the school to the waiting teacher at the door. She smiled at him and let him inside, then looked over in my direction and threw up a hand in goodbye. I waved back, then took my car out of park and drove off, leaving the school behind me._ _

__\---_ _

__After I had dropped Laurie off at school, I had drove until I found an empty parking lot for an abandoned building and cried into the steering wheel for fifteen minutes while I tried to imagine how time had ever began moving so fast. Every day seemed like an eternity, yet the years moved by so quickly. When I had finished my good cry, I drove home again and began to focus on much more mundane things. I had to go to the grocery store before I picked him up from school, but before that I had to throw in a few loads of laundry and dust the various knick-knacks we had scattered throughout our home._ _

__I got to work, quickly going through the laundry and taking spare change and forgotten candy out of the pockets of children's jeans. In a pair of my own pants I found a phone number scratched across a piece of paper. It was the number of some poor gentleman I had left at a club last weekend. He had been so kind, but my babysitter had called and told me that Laurie was having night terrors. I refused to tell him I had a son though, and instead asked for his number. After he gave me it, I dashed off, making up a lie about going to the bathroom. It was a shame really. He was a nice guy, even if I didn't know his name._ _

__I sighed as I started to wash a pile of darks. I knew that being a single parent would present challenges, but I never realized how little time I had for looking for a suitable date until now. It wasn't that my son wasn't fulfilling, because he was. He was so much better than having any partner, but I tended to have selfish thoughts when I was alone, and I couldn't help but wonder how much better life would be if I occasionally got kissed and cuddled by a man who would stick around. I thought about what I was missing out on, what Laurie was missing out on. He deserved another parent, preferably another father, who would love him and protect him just like I did._ _

__Time seemed to fly by after that, and it was noon once I had all of the laundry washed, dried, and put away, as well as the bathroom cleaned from the mess it was in earlier in the morning. I let out a sigh of relief, then mentally gauged when I should leave to get the groceries. I decided that I had time to sit down for lunch, and scampered to the kitchen and opened the fridge wide. I could have cooked myself something nice, but I was a lazy fuck, so instead I forgot the fridge and microwaved a bag of popcorn from the pantry. It tasted okay, and it was only half-burnt, so I considered it a success._ _

__I was about to move myself and my popcorn into the living room, but my cell phone began buzzing on the kitchen counter. I hurried to grab it, wiping my buttery fingers on a cloth beside the electronic before answering it. "Hello?" I answered, confused as to who would be calling me at noon on a school day._ _

__"Hello? Mr. Howell?" A gruff voice questioned from the other end of the line._ _

__"This is he." I replied, brow furrowed._ _

__"This is Principal Hopkins. I'm calling to tell you that there was a bit of a problem with your child's lunch today."_ _

__"What kind of problem?" I inquired, leaning against the kitchen counter._ _

__"Well, it's a bit absurd really. Your son brought in a frozen cocktail for lunch." He informed me, a laugh in his voice._ _

__"Jesus Christ!" I swore, feeling like the breath had been torn out of me. "I'm so sorry!" I apologized._ _

__"It's alright, Mr. Howell. As you know that I'm retiring at the end of the school year, I would like you to come in and meet with the principal for next year, Mr. Lester. It can be a test run for him of sorts."_ _

__"Oh, yes. Of course!" I stuttered, feeling incredibly nervous._ _

__"Please do come as soon as you are able." He finished, his tone still light, but lacking his earlier humor._ _

__"Goodbye, Mr. Hopkins." I said hurriedly, then ended the call. I then groaned and let my body sag against the counter top._ _

__Jesus Christ. Why me?_ _

__\---_ _

__I practically leaped from my car after I pulled into the school parking lot, narrowly missing a red minivan as I did. I hastily pulled down my beanie a bit, not wanting my curls to show as I approached the building. I jogged up the stairs to the main doors of my son's school and pushed open the doors, only to be greeted by the smell of crayons and glue. God, I was glad I hadn't pursued my childhood dream of becoming a teacher. The window to the reception was directly to my left, and I immediately went up to the glass window._ _

__"Hi!" The receptionist greeted me, sliding open the window as I approached. "Are you Dan Howell?"_ _

__"Yes, I am." I answered, nervously playing with my hands as she picked up the bright yellow phone on her desk._ _

__"Mr. Howell is here, sir. Shall I send him in?" She spoke brightly into the receiver. She paused for a moment, then hung up the phone. "You can go ahead in!" She smiled, pointing to the door beside the reception. It was adorned with a gold plate engraved with the word 'Principal.'_ _

__I took a deep breath, then made my way to the door and knocked before pushing it open. There were three people in the room, the principal, Laurie's teacher, and a man with black hair who had his back towards me. "Mr. Howell! Welcome!" Mr. Hopkins greeted me, standing up from his seat. The other man turned around, and as our eyes met, both of our mouths dropped in shock._ _

__He was the guy I had pretty much grinded on at the club. "You have a kid." He stated, recovering quicker than I had._ _

__"You're going to be my kid's principal." I responded back, still quite in disbelief._ _

__"You two know each other, I presume?" Mr. Hopkins questioned, grey eyebrows raising._ _

__"We're...acquaintances." The other supplied, nervously smoothing the wrinkles from his button down. "I'm Phil Lester." He introduced, holding out his hand._ _

__"Dan Howell." I replied, shaking it. I examined him closely, noticing how cute his shirt was. It was dark blue with little white flowers all over it. Adorable._ _

__"Well, anyway, the situation with Laurence is highly unusual." The principal started, leaving me no time to think about how I had danced on a guy that could possibly make my child's life a living hell._ _

__"Oh, yes, I agree. I don't know how this even happened!" I replied, face flushing in embarrassment as I returned my attention to the main issue. I was ashamed of the incident, I mean, what type of parent lets their kid get out of the door with a cocktail in their lunchbox?_ _

__"But, obviously we do understand that mornings can be quite chaotic, especially if he did pack his own lunch." Phil supplied sympathetically._ _

__"I told him to grab a juice box from the freezer while I went upstairs to get the checkbook. I don't understand why he grabbed one of those and not his regular juice boxes. I never drink in front of him!" I explained, hoping that none of these people were thinking me a bad parent._ _

__"I assure you, Mr. Howell, we are not in any way trying to judge you or your son because of this incident, we just need you to sign a few papers, and then take home the cocktail." Phil explained, taking over for Mr. Hopkins, who was digging for papers in a file cabinet._ _

__"Here we are!" The principal exclaimed, pulling three sheets from the cabinet and laying them out on the desk. "You can return to your class now, Mrs. Pine." He told Laurie's teacher, who up until that point, had been silent._ _

__"Thank you, Mr. Hopkins." She replied, then quickly exited the room, obviously eager to leave._ _

__"If you could just sign these here, here, here, and here." Phil directed, regaining my attention by handing me a pen and pointing to different lines on the papers._ _

__"Of course!" I answered, moving closer to the desk and quickly scribbling my signature onto the lines._ _

__"Thank you, Mr. Howell." Mr. Hopkins, stated, then opened the drawer of his desk to pull out the slightly soggy pouch of melted Smirnoff raspberry sorbet cocktail. He held it out to me, and with cheeks flushed in embarrassment, I took it from his hand. "You're free to go!" He said happily, returning his attention to the papers I had signed on the desk._ _

__"Let me show you out, Dan." Phil smiled, holding open the door to the office and nodding his head toward the hallway. "It's time for my lunch break, I might as well go out with you."_ _

__"O-okay..." I agreed, walking out of the door with Phil right behind me._ _

__"Could I speak with you, privately, outside, please?" He asked quietly as soon as the door was shut, a smile still plastered on his face._ _

__"Th-that might be good." I responded, voice shaking slightly._ _

__He gripped my hand that was not holding the beverage, then practically dragged me down the hall and out the glass doors of the school. "What was that?" He asked, his voice hurt and angry as soon as the glass doors closed._ _

__"Why was what?" I blinked back, squeezing the soggy cocktail between my fingers._ _

__"What? You ditched me at the club! I was so worried something happened to you on the way back, but of course I saw that you weren't interested in the slightest." He huffed, turning his face away at the end. "You could have just told me."_ _

__"I was interested you!" I protested, trying to move forward, but Phil was holding out his hand, pressing his palm gently against my chest, keeping us exactly where we were._ _

__"Don't lie to me." He muttered, removing his hand and using it to comb back through his hair._ _

__"I'm not!" I explained, taking another step towards him, only to have him take a step back. "Phil, come on." I pleaded. "Laurie was having a nightmare and I had to go home. I promise, I don't ditch people for no reason!"_ _

__"You could've just told me." He muttered, crossing his arms, but I could tell he was only hurt._ _

__"I'm sorry I left." I apologized, gently reaching out my hand and resting it on one of his crossed arms._ _

__"I'm sorry I'm acting like a kid who didn't get what he wanted." Phil responded, his voice still quiet._ _

__"It's okay." I sighed, retracting my hand, only to have my wrist grabbed in Phil's much larger fist. I looked at him with large, questioning eyes._ _

__"Would you like to give this a second chance?" He questioned, his words coming out rushed._ _

__I thought about it for a second, then squeezed the cocktail in my hand especially hard. "Yeah," I answered, biting my lip, "I'd like that."_ _

__"Cool." He responded, letting go of my wrist before sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. "I never thought I'd see the 'pretty boy on the dance floor' ever again." He admitted, a smile growing on his face._ _

__Gosh, I wanted to kiss that smile. His lips were so cute in a smile. I wondered how cute his lips would feel against mine._ _

__"You're staring." He stated in an almost-whisper._ _

__"Yeah, I know." I responded, and before I knew it, we were both leaning in, and suddenly my lips met. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he was engulfing my hips with his own arms, and in an instant we were flush against each other, kissing and kissing._ _

__"Shoot!" Phil breathed, pulling away from me, but I subconsciously based his lips. He laughed at that, and loosened his grip on me and pulled away completely. "I think you may have let your cocktail sit out for too long." He chuckled._ _

__I looked down to my hand, only to see dripping water, and I peeked around his back to see that my suspicions were correct, and he had a large wet spot on his shirt. "Sorry." I apologized, not meeting his eyes. "You'll have to change, I guess."_ _

__"I have bigger things to worry about." He replied._ _

__"Like what?" I asked, looking back up, only to see that his gaze was directed towards the glass doors. I looked too, only to gasp at the sight of twenty little eyes staring at us, mouths hung open in shock._ _

__"I didn't realize we had an audience." He laughed, waving at the children behind the glass who waved back. They shot us toothy smiles, and soon tried to talk to Phil through the glass. He only waved back, then grabbed my hand and dragged me away from the door and into the parking lot. "I'm going to be in such deep shit." He mumbled, weaving in between cars and vans that surely belonged to the school facility._ _

__"Oh my God, they'll forget it in like five minutes, you'll be fine." I chuckled, only to have him look back at me like I had no idea how children worked._ _

__"I hope." He sighed, letting go of my hand and digging around in his pants pocket. He pulled out his car keys, then unlocked it and opened the passengers side door before turning back towards me. "I should probably change my shirt." He stated._ _

__"Okay. Have fun with that."_ _

__"And you should come with me." He added._ _

__"Why should I do that?" I questioned, playfully raising an eyebrow._ _

__"Because I can take you out for lunch, and this time you won't run off." He replied, holding out his hand._ _

__"I'd like that." I smiled, placing my hand in his._ _

**Author's Note:**

> hey, this is just a salty reminder that i don't owe anyone anything, and that i write for my personal enjoyment and not to fulfill the wishes of others. I simply don't have time to write that much now that school is here. If you don't understand, that means I'm doing homework from the time I get home until eleven at night with a break to eat dinner. If you are unable to wait for updates, then wait until I find time to finish the fic. Okay, rant over! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and thank you so much for reading! I am working on lots of different things, so keep an eye out! See ya later alligators!


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